This demotion leaves Morty angry, so he knocks back a few drinks and vows to use these diverse kids to help him get a new hit TV show, and get back on top.
Meanwhile, the multicultural writers Morty will soon be ushering into the Hollywood fold have just viewed an orientation video narrated by a woman who claims to be the network’s first black employee and whose message sounds like a veiled plea for them to run far, far away.
But the new Mentees stay put and begin to speculate on who their new Mentor could be. Self-righteous LANGSTON believes it will be Spike Lee, and a desperate JESSICA hopes for Lena Dunham!
When a very late CHAD, who is seemingly white, straight and male, enters, the disappointed Mentees assume he’s their instructor. However, Chad introduces himself as the final mentee, and everyone’s confused as to why he’s in the program at all.
Back in the executive suite, Morty, perhaps for old time’s sake, or maybe even for good luck, gropes his secretary, then heads off to mold young minds.
Morty starts off on the wrong foot when he compares the Mentees to an ad for UNICEF, and manages to racially slander everyone, even when he’s trying to be complimentary! (In one instance, he compares Jessica, who’s Jewish, to Dr. Ruth, clarifying that it’s a compliment, because he schtupped her!)
Then Morty begins educating the dumbfounded Mentees on his four-step formula for writing a hit TV show. But all he does is end up championing actor Kirk Cameron, encouraging seeking funding from the Westboro Baptist Church, and classifying Donna Reed as a “hot piece of ass”.
Chad excuses himself, only to run into Jessica and MELANIE in the unisex bathroom, where they once again try (and fail) to get to the bottom of how Chad got accepted.
They return as Morty’s finishing his first day’s lesson with an inspirational speech on how he slept with Jeannie Shrimpton. Once Morty and Chad leave, the remaining Mentees bond as they hypothesize further on why Chad’s there and what his relationship with Morty is.
DWIGHT posits that maybe Chad’s there because he’s colorblind, which leads the Mentees to double-check the Diversity Program rules, where they’re bewildered to find that even a handicapped gay white male would be ineligible. This leaves militant Langston both angry and conflicted, as he always gets whenever he feels sympathy for white people, no matter how otherwise disadvantaged they may be.
And that’s just Day One of the UBS Diversity Writers Program. With no-holds-barred racist and sexist Morty at the helm, and having nothing to lose, it really may be the worst run diversity program ever!